On "Happy" by Derren Brown

This book captivated me for a month - It’s quite a long read (~530 pages). If you approach this book with an open mind, take the time to just sit and let the ideas percolate, then I believe this book can be life-changing, it certainly changed mine. I hope to share some of the most interesting thoughts and tidbits I stumbled upon while reading this book below.

Stories.

Stories are central to this book. They play a pretty important part in our lives too. A story is what we tell ourselves about an event, person, or happening.

The book emphasizes a clear divide between events and our emotions. While events are logical and fact based representations of reality, emotions are the by-product of the story we tell ourselves about an event.

With this matter of semantics out of the way, let’s dive right in.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Life is messy, cruel, and random. Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. But if we rely on these external events to fuel our happiness, then we’re going to be in for a rough ride - instead, Brown suggests one deeply examine and reflect upon the stories we tell ourselves about these events. In fact, he goes further to suggest that after the initial shock, anger, or worry of an event, it is the story we tell ourselves about an event not the event itself that sticks with us.

Life is too short for us to be waiting for all the stars to align before we can let ourselves be happy - spoiler alert, they never will. Instead, by taking charge of our story, reframing it or actively moving it forward, we can work toward finding happiness within ourself regardless of whatever happens outside.

In reality, so much of what happens to us is out of our control - call it god, fate, or simply the random machinations of the universe. Brown uses a Cartesian plane to illustrate this idea. If your actions are represented on the y axis, fate represented on the x axis, then your outcome in life is represented by the line y = x.

Brown doesn’t intend this message to come across as depressing - the idea that so much of your life is out of your control. Quite the contrary, instead he encourages us all to free up our mental capacity to focus instead on what we can control, rather than worrying about events of which we have no control over.

The Problem with “Positive Thinking”

The harsh truth of life is that some things just won’t be resolved - the universe couldn’t care less what you think, it’s indifferent to your happiness. The self-help industry and self-acclaimed “gurus” would have you think that a flip of switch in mindset is all that’s needed to solve your problems. This is simply not true.

Advising someone that they just have to “stay positive, and things will work out in the end” places the burden of outcome on them. This leads to a toxic cycle of self-blame. If you don’t recover, don’t get that promotion, or fail to get the outcome you wanted, you believe something is wrong with what you did. Maybe you didn’t “want” it enough? Maybe you weren’t thinking “positive enough”? Nope.

Our outcome in life is governed not only by our individual actions but also by the random machinations of the universe. The cliché advice given by the self-help industry of “thinking positively” completely fails to take into account this fate factor. It makes you think that you are indeed 100% in control of what happens to you in life.

Perfection is a myth

Society today places so much emphasis on perfection: in every domain, whether it be academic, professional, or social. We’re taught to chase this idealized, airbrushed, instagram-art version of perfection so much so that we never consider that it’s ok to be a little broken. Brown certainly believes that everyone is.

”We are all disturbed to one degree or another, all somehow repressed and to varying extents shut off from our true selves: this is the human condition and precisely what we should address to increase our quotient of happiness. The relevant question is whether these disturbances own us or whether we contain or manage them.” (77)

Accepting this idea is liberating - the knowledge that the human condition is intertwined with struggle can help us reframe our sometimes less-than-perfect stories as being natural, normal, and just part of the eddies of life. Struggle is simply the x-axis to our cartesian plane - giving us the lateral component necessary to move us forward to new places & stories.

Stoicism, saw-dust, & control

Stoicism, tries to come to terms with this idea: the idea that you can find happiness even with this inherent randomness in life. Finding happiness in your being. Finding happiness in the transience and ephemerality of the moment, rather than on any one outcome or arbitrary benchmark. Knowing that it all could be snatched away in seconds, knowing that nothing is forever, and knowing that everything will end, but still appreciating and finding joy in the moment, this is what stoicism means to me.

It is not events themselves which cause us angst, it is the stories we tell ourselves about those events which cause most of the pain in our lives.

This is probably the most powerful idea in the book. And if you get only one thing from reading this, I hope you come away considering and paying more attention to the stories you unconsciously tell yourself.

Emotion, pain, and angst are derived not from events, but from our judgement and the stories we tell ourselves about the events. That’s not to say that we should never feel pain, grief or sadness, Stoicism is not advocating for a life position of “Pollyanna” (extreme) optimism. Rather, I believe it’s simply adding a spin of rationalism to emotion.

Let’s say something bad happens. It is of course, perfectly natural to feel grief, or pain in the moment. But then, Stoicism is all about recognizing what is best for us to move forward. We reframe the event and find closure to our story not to satisfy some cliche self-help form of optimism, but for ourselves - we gain control over our story to give us the chance to move on. Strife and pain is part of the human condition.

I love this analogy that Marcus Aurelius (roman emperor and founder of Stoic thought) makes

“Marcus tells himself to see those things which infuriate him as no more than the equivalent of saw-dust and wood clippings on the floor of a carpenter’s workshop. These things which obstruct us are the inevitable by-product of nature, and it would be mad to become enraged about them.” (195)

We can choose to accept pain and move on, or we can let it fester inside us. Stoicism is simply taking the rational approach to pain, recognizing it as a natural byproduct of a life well lived, and moving forward.

Let go of that which you cannot control

So much of our life is a product of chance. Stoicism urges us to divide our worries into two categories: those with which we have some semblance of control over, and those which are out of our control. Why not just accept those outcomes with which we have no control over, as they are?

“Understanding we are only in control of our thoughts and actions, we can choose how to respond to events whenever they prove less than ideal, without making ourselves unhappy. It’s fine that people are rude or ignorant. It’s fine. If we were in their shoes, with their history and their current pressures, we would act the same.” (225)

It’s fine. You know those things we all worry about? Those things with which we cannot even hope to control? Let’s let go of them. It’s truly fine.

Facing The End

Death is the end, it is the absolute end. It is where our story, whether we like it or not, must end.

We’re taught to fear death. Despite being the common denominator of all people, society treats topics of death with almost a taboo-like silence. We will all grow old, see our friends and family leave us, and yet this is something not mentioned in society.

“Let us then consider the harsh reality for a moment: it will all amount to nothing. Everything you have strived for, or intend to strive for, will cease to be. Your friends, family, your children will as good as disappear along with your world. The story of you, the framework of your world, will amount to nothing and most likely remain untold, without significance. That very self - that sense of I from which you are considering this right now - will be gone too.” (403)

The story then, is for nobody but yourself. It is up to us, to find closure to our own stories.

Knowing this, we have two choices. We can a) go through life not thinking about death and fearing its ever impending grip on our life, or b) live with the acceptance of death as the final page in our book, and find ways of ending our stories for ourselves so we can find some sense of closure before we return back to the eternity from which we came.

Now

“Our scripts are indeed written in our histories, but whatever our backgrounds, and however traumatic our pasts, the key to overcoming them is to stop telling ourselves the same unhelpful story today, to consciously own what has remained unconscious and therefore governed us, and to regain authorship ourselves … It is the story we recreate and live out for ourselves every day that not only defines our past but also defines us, and stories are things we can change.” (493)

I want to leave you with this powerful passage. You may not have controlled or even chosen the way your story started. But you can control how it ends.

Every single day, through your perspective, frame of mind, and outlook you can choose the story you write for yourself.

Write a good story.

Find closure.

Be happy.